Week 7

 This week's topic of discussion was intimacy and infidelity. 

Differences Between Men and Women

    Biological differences between men and women when it comes to intimacy are rather distinct. Men will reach a climax much faster than a woman will and will be unable to perform for a time afterwards whereas women take much longer and do not have a refractory period in which they cannot perform. The idea behind why the different genders want to be intimate differ as well, for example, a woman does not want to be intimate until she feels safe, warm, and close to her partner where a man wants to be intimate so he can feel safe, close, and intimate to his partner. A man's desire for intimacy usually has nothing to do with being sex-crazed, but rather a desire to be close and connect to his spouse.

    There are chemical differences between sexes as well. While both men and women will released dopamine and serotonin during intercourse, only women will release the bonding chemical oxytocin. This same chemical is used to bond with her children as they're born and nursing as well. This bond is good when having only one sexual partner, but can create issues if a woman has or has had multiple, it will make it much harder to bind with her husband later on.

    These differences may seem tedious and inconvenient at first glance, but I believe that these differences exist for a divine purpose. That being an opportunity to be selfless with and for your partner and to get to know them. This makes encountering sex with your partner something delicate, that should be opened and discussed carefully and with as much time as you both need. There is no reason to rush into this, and often it's better not to. Discuss likes and dislikes, things that are scary, and as you learn continue to discuss those things. This isn't a one and done conversation, it's one that continues as you both change and learn more about yourselves as well as each other.

Boundaries with Others

    Boundaries with those outside of your marriage (those being friends, family, work colleagues, etc.) are incredibly important. What issues come up between you two, be it with intimacy or otherwise, are best left between you two. Bringing others into it brings greater bias between not only your friends/family and your spouse but between you and your spouse as well. Even seeking marriage counseling privately (without your spouse) creates a bias because both sides of an issue are not expressed and understood. Sharing intimate topics with those outside or you and your spouse is a betrayal to your spouse. Bringing these issues up to others then brings them into the relationship where they should not at all be involved, after their inclusion it is very difficult to remove them from it. Emotionally relying on an individual outside of your spouse leads to another issue, that being infidelity. 

Infidelity 

    When the topic of infidelity comes up, most will know of sexual infidelity, there are other ways of being unfaithful to your spouse however. Emotional infidelity is often where it starts, that being the purposeful time spent with someone other than your spouse to express hardships within marriage as well as other issues over time. This creates a bond with someone other than your spouse that makes other intimate acts, starting with hugs and venturing into kisses and so on, seem acceptable because of the emotional bond with this other person. There is also financial infidelity, which starts from accounts being opened without the knowledge of one spouse, sometimes starting innocently, becoming a means to provide for someone other than your own spouse or family. Both of these things eventually lead to sexual infidelity, which is not just touching another person intimately but thinking of another person as such. There are more means of being unfaithful, but these are the most prominent.

Week 6

 This weeks discussion was on the transitions in and towards  marriage.

Courtship to Engagement

    This time is the most important in terms of molding the relationship into one that you want to stay in and keep, as it will get harder to change built habits later on. It's important to sit down as a couple and discuss needed boundaries and where they should be. These boundaries might include how involved parents are, how time is spent with friends, what is shared with those outside the marriage, the boundaries with children as they come, time spent with either side of the family, what activities are done as a family, and other things of that sort. These boundaries are important if a couple is going to last long term, they just need to be communicated and set clearly and then be upheld respected by both sides. The most important part of this transition is the communication of boundaries. 

Proposal

    The transition from courtship to engagement begins with a proposal of marriage. In todays culture it's common for couples to discuss engagement and marriage before a proposal has been made, making it a mutual next step, though proposals today are much larger and more showy than they were before regardless of the agreement already being made. Brother Williams put a lot of emphasis on the proposal, as women will look back to the start of the relationship when things get hard. It's often been found that the big, showy proposal does not result in a good marriage. Rather than doing something sweet and close to the woman, the man is using it as a way to show off that he got the girl. He's doing it for other people and for his own pride in a sense, not for her. 

    The traditional, or older means of proposal were discussed as well, those being asking the father's permission before proposing, the man buying the ring before proposing, and the man making the proposal in the first place without doing it for show. Each step of that showing deliberate effort and continued investment to the woman, even if she isn't as invested as he is yet. The proposal is a way to show that the man is ready and willing to take the woman into his life and to share the rest of it with her. Cutting out those deliberate actions in modern courtship and engagement is more likely to hurt a relationship because it doesn't require as much consideration or commitment on the man's part, he's just following what is agreed upon and wanted by the woman. It's been shown that when the woman is more invested, she is more likely to devest and walk away when things get hard, in a lot of modern proposals the woman is more invested than the man. When the man is more invested in the beginning, in such a way that would bring about the traditional proposal, it is more likely that the woman will increase her investment when things get hard later on. 

Planning a Wedding

    This is the part that many woman have dreamed and considered since they were little, but it is much more than just a party to celebrate marriage, it's not just planning a wedding, it's planning a marriage. It acts as the first event that you will plan with your spouse that has significant consequences, it is important that you do so together so to strengthen your bond as a couple and to prepare you for future plans and events that will occur. The way you plan your wedding will determine if you come together or drift apart when it comes to planning and finding solutions in life. It will help you see how you can work together and put your different minds and ideas into one whole outcome. It's not good for women to cut their fiancé out of this process, it's not something for her to turn to her friends and her mother with alone, but something she should be figuring out with her fiancé. This is a stressful period of time all for one day, and it's important to keep those elevated levels of stress in mind as well as the idea that it is just for on day. A wedding should be an event of a community and families coming together to support the couple, becoming a unified group. Because your families and friends will want to be involved, this is a time in which you set the standard and boundaries between them and you and your fiancé as a couple. This is a time in which it is wise to step away from friends of the opposite sex and cleave and honor your spouse. Emotional reliance on others will take you away from your spouse more than anything, especially when it comes to friends of the opposite sex, infidelity starts emotionally. Priority should go to your spouse, especially when discussing trials and hardships, those aren't things you take and express to others before and without your spouse, that will only hurt you both. 

Early Marital Adjustments

    Life isn't just going to get easier because your married, in fact the opposite will occur. Now you are adjusting to another person in your space that does things differently than you do, you're seeing all of them rather than just the parts they set aside to show you. You will need to establish roles when it comes to housework, finances, prayer and scripture time, as well as establishing ways of communication, conflict resolution, and that doesn't even touch that you're sharing all of your space with them. It's important that both parties adjust and accommodate the other within reason. You are working this out together, that takes time, and that is okay! It'll be hard for a while, but it's important to have love and patience towards the other as well as to yourself throughout. There also needs to be a sense of interdependence developed, that being the ability to lean on each other when things get hard rather than facing those hard things alone or with others outside of your marriage. Most people aren't going to divorce over big problems, but it's the little things that go unsaid and unsolved that lead to it. It's good to participate in activities that allow you to act as a team and rely on each other so that you can engage in that communication early on, even before you are married those activities are important. 

Week 5

 This week's discussion was on preparing for marriage. 

 Dating Differences 

    The most prominent part of class discussion this week was on dating, how it's define, and how it has changed over time. Modern dating has a much greater focus on "hanging out" whereas previous means to dating were more intentional. We discussed that what matters in dating today is: propinquity, or the access one has to someone and appearance for assumptions and judgement. Another aspect to modern dating is the distance between individuals, especially as they are growing up. We have the opportunity, especially on this campus, to meet people from all over the world which is incredible, but it also means you know less about the individuals you date. Older means of dating resulted in people from the same towns and cities dating, meaning there was a lot more information on someone and their behavior from various sources in the area. Living in a close proximity allowed much more time to get to know someone, allowed shared experiences, caused a more shared economic status, shared schools, shared friends, and a shared culture. 

Cohabitation

    Modern dating uses cohabitation to try and make up for that lost time and to act as a trial before marriage to see if two individuals are compatible. Cohabitation has been dubbed the best way to prepare for divorce, couples who cohabit are three times more likely to divorce than couples that get married before living together. It creates limited commitment and many physical benefits despite it. The lack of commitment means all the little things will cause one or both individuals to leave rather than stay and try and work through issues together or learn to love some of the quirks of their spouse. No commitment results in less effort put into making the relationship work. Cohabiting as a pre-marriage trial of compatibility also results in individuals looking for flaws and reasons to leave their partner instead of trying to find reasons to stay. In living with another person, it also takes away from some of the actions and benefits that should come with marriage. Cohabiting doesn't cause individuals to share everything, such as bank, debt, insurance, and other things of that sort as being married would cause. Couples live more as roommates than they do as a couple. If a couple gets married, these rules and habits are already set in place and they are less likely to readjust to sharing everything. It's also been observed that women are hoping for marriage to come where men are already getting what they want through physical benefits. 

What is Dating? 

       Once again, dating today consists of hanging out and committing to one person until you no longer like them, date them til' you hate them if you will. It is advised that individuals don't date exclusively until they are ready to be married. Dating exclusively causes people to get attached, especially as individuals get more physically close to each other. It's also advised that you don't spend so much time with someone that you don't have time to be individuals or there will be the same rate of divorce as would occur in cohabiting individuals. The best advice is to stop hanging out and to go back to real dating. 

    This begs the question, "what is a date?" A date is defined as something that is planned, paired off, and paid for. Planning, pairing, and paying done by the man in the situation so they can prepare to protect, provide, and preside and show the woman they are taking on a date that they are capable of doing so. Going on dates and not hanging around constantly allows for time to be separate while dating and getting to know each other before becoming one in purpose in which everything will be shared in marriage. Dating is about putting forth effort, not only on one individual but on both, especially as the relationship continues. 

Why Date? 

    So, why should you change your dating habits? well, going on dates allows for the opportunity for individuals to practice building something, address changes and individual needs to make in themselves, find out what one can and cannot tolerate, setting time apart to be emotionally bonded, and to see how someone acts in various situations. All of those things are so important to see and understand, especially when it comes to finding a companion in marriage. 

Marriage

    The stages of a relationship that lead to marriage are, dating (seeing a variety of people), courtship (exclusive, not looking at anyone else), engagement (commitment to be married), and marriage. This begs the question of how to know who you are going to marry, the answer can be given by the "know quo," which is togetherness (shared experiences) + talk (mutual self-disclosures) + time (3 months to even begin to know..) = knowing one another and each other as a couple. It is also important to consult the Lord and receive revelation through every step of the process, not asking "is this who I am going to marry," but asking more specific questions. Bring your plans and your thoughts to the Lord, He will guide you from there.

    The never failing formula for marital status is 1.) careful selection based on important values, 2.) great unselfishness; forgetting self, 3.) continued courtship and expressions of affection, 4.) complete and remain faithful to living commandments.

    I think it is so important to keep the Lord in this process, He knows all things and He can guide you to find those things and those individuals that will bring you the most joy in this life and in the next.

Week 4

 The discussion this week focused on the role of gender in the home as well as same-sex attraction and transgrenderism. 

gender roles

    The first question we faced in this discussion was whether or not gender/sex mattered, the answer being yes, it does matter. Men and women are just biologically different and naturally want to perform different behaviors and tasks. Women more often choose to nurture and succeed in those tasks whereas men are more likely to want to provide physically. My own beliefs are that our Father in Heaven made men and women different and more capable for different roles on purpose. A man will never be able to do all a woman does in the way she does it, neither will a woman be able to do all a man does in the way he does it. They are meant to work as equal partners to create a much greater whole, especially in a family setting. These roles are expressed very clearly in early childhood, especially by children who are too little to be influenced by society. Studies find that with some exceptions, little girls are more likely to take interest in nurturing and social play based on people, where little boys are more inclined to physical, constructive and destructive play that is more "thing" or object based. Female is simply made to nurture, where male is made to protect, provide, and preside. There are always those with varying inclinations to these behaviors, and not everyone will fit into them as greatly as some others, but in the end the two most basic points stand. Nurture and protect, provide, and preside. 

same-sex attraction

    The theorized causes of same-sex attraction were discussed, those being biologic factors, social media influence, response to trauma, and free will and choice. 

    The two discussed most prevalently were genetics and trauma, the other two theories are a bit self explanatory in my opinion. Young people are influenced by social media and popular trends that help them "fit" and everyone is entitled to their agency. When it comes to genetics, groups of twins were studied with the hypothesis being that if 100% of identical twins experienced same-sex attraction then there is some form of biologic component influencing those feelings. In the end, only 7-11% of identical twins experienced same-sex attraction, causing the theory of a biologic component to be rather unlikely. When it cam to theory of trauma response causing the attraction, 62-72% of gay men have been sexually assaulted in their youth, usually after the age of twelve by an older individual. These odds gave us more evidence towards it being a developed behavior through experience in life. 

    The most difficult part of this discussion and the formation of opinion on it is the lack of data. Especially in today's world, this topic is considered taboo and not to be questioned or debated. People are allowed to feel what they want and it's just the way a person is. This is faced not only in broad society, but in the family unit as well. Those that experience same-sex attraction want to be accepted, and their families want to love them, but there is a difference in accepting and loving. There is a slippery slope between being loving towards and individual and encouraging a behavior. There are also family dynamics that might encourage same-sex attraction as well, theories find that individuals raised with overly-involved mothers and distant fathers are more likely to experience same-sex attraction. 

    Another theory discussed stemmed from Daryl Bern's study on sexual orientation called exotic becomes erotic. This theory discuses that male and female children are born with differences, as they age preferences in play emerge and as they grow further feedback on their behavior ensues. It's been found that young girls with more atypical gender behaviors were more widely accepted than atypical young boys. Gender typical is to follow the regular stereotype of boys and girls, atypical is to vary form the expectation formed by stereotypes. Being atypical does not mean an individual experiences same-sex attraction or is transgender, they just have different preferences in activities and in the way they conduct themselves. As children continue to develop into puberty, they will experience nonspecific autonomic arousal, which is not sexual unless it is made so through inappropriate media or assault. Gender typical would be attraction to the opposite gender whereas atypical would be excited by their own as atypical individuals are usually already interacting with the opposite gender, making those of the same gender exotic. 

    Once again, none of those feelings are sexual unless made so. The hyper-sexualization of the world today has made them to be so much sooner than it should be, this is why it's important to be mindful of what your children are exposed to. The world also likes to put labels on people, if you feel a certain way or don't feel any way at all, you will be labeled as such and youth especially are more likely to strive and fit those labels. These labels only enforce the behavior. Many of those that identify with a label often aren't that way at all, they are just atypical form their gender and that is okay. It doesn't make them gay, or lesbian, or trans, or any other label. The solution to these things would be to stop sexualizing themselves and others, develop healthy relationships and boundaries, and to stop fixating on these feelings and these labels.