Week 12

 This week we discussed divorce and remarriage. 

Causes of Divorce

    The causes of divorce can vary at times, but there are definitely more common causes to separate a couple. Most would assume that infidelity leads to the majority of divorces, this is not the case however. 65% of couples confronted with infidelity choose to save the marriage, 50% of those stating they made a better marriage than they had previously. The most common reasons for divorce are much less dramatic in appearance. Many couples romanticize marriage, believing it to be beautiful and lovely and easy. While it is lovely, it is not always easy, especially in the beginning. When things don't go perfectly as the couple planned, either one or both are likely to give up. Marriage takes communication, patience while you continue to learn and work with each other, and so much forgiveness as both individuals will fall short on occasion. On the BYU-Idaho campus this is often the case, added onto it comes the spiritual aspect. Many of us pray to know whether it is good to marry our significant other and thus believe it will be easy. Without communication and the work needed to succeed, those that choose to divorce are also led to believe that their either is no God, or that He is cruel and leave the church after divorce. This is more common among women. 

    In terms of infidelity, the topic of pornography addictions came up. We discussed that it is unfaithful to your spouse and an act of infidelity as discussed in the bible. Many believe that their addiction will get better after they get married and will no longer be a problem, in truth these addictions always get worse. When it comes to addictions like this the excuse is always "I can't, it's not in my control." From helping people with these addictions, Brother Williams shared with us that this is not the case. Your thoughts are your own and it is a choice to control them. It is possible to overcome addiction by changing your thoughts. This is done first by recognizing your thoughts and replacing them with the truth. This doesn't only apply to addiction, but to anxiety, depression. temptation, all things that are simply in your head.

Guidelines for Adapting to Families

    When coming into a different kind of family, the new spouse will often face some trouble. Brother Williams shared with us what is best to be done for entering families that are blended, divorced, broken, or reconstituted. 

- Accept an acknowledge that it will take at least two years to reach a sense of normalcy.

- The birth parent of the children needs to handle the heavy discipline.

- New parent should play a role equivalent to an exceptional aunt or uncle. 

- Daily conferences behind closed doors between spouses about what's going on with the kids. Do not keep secrets from your spouse about the kids. 

Good Marriage

    In every discussion on marriage it has consistently been established that good marriage is not natural, but supernatural. It is the continuous process of becoming divine and preparing for eternal life and to be like God. This is the case because if you are truly trying to work with your spouse and build a good marriage, you will have to do some things that are not in your nature. We are called to submit to our spouse, it isn't in human nature to submit, not even to God. That is something that takes time and effort to learn. You need to step out of yourself to see and address the needs of your partner, you need to see them and value them as you would yourself. You need to learn patience when things go wrong and when things get hard. you need to learn forgiveness when they fall short because you fall short too. You need to acknowledge your mistakes and strive to make it right. You need to learn to communicate even if it's hard. You need to rely on your spouse and trust each other entirely. These things are not easy, they don't happen perfectly, and often happen very slowly. You need patience with your spouse and with yourself. You need time with each other. You need to love each other, wholly and unconditionally. There is a lot that must be done, but you are not alone in doing so. You can pray and ask for aid to achieve these things, by this act of faith and through the effort you put in, you are bound to find help and success through God. He is always with you, especially in this matter. 

Week 11

 This week's topic of discussion was parenting.

Purpose of Parenting

    The purpose of parenting is to provide children a safe environment to learn and make mistakes, protecting them so they learn to survive and thrive in the world. This idea comes with several other phrases that need defining, such as 'protect'. To protect a child is to give rules and guidelines that will keep them safe. To 'prepare' a child is to allow them to participate in tasks with you, allowing them to learn and use skills for life by doing them, even if the tasks takes a bit longer by doing so. To 'survive' is training your children about safety, especially when it comes to interactions with other people, driving, and so on and so forth. To 'thrive' is to be able to live comfortably in the world in which they live, now, later, and in eternity. 

Teach Your Children

    When it comes to what a child needs to learn, I think the most important are these; 

Courage; teach your kids to be courageous, to act in spite of fear, to act not knowing the outcome, but trusting all will be well.

Self-esteem; teach your kids to have a a high self esteem, that being the confidence in one's ability to succeed, the knowledge of ones own weaknesses and shortcomings, and the ability to succeed in spite of weakness.

Responsibility; the ability to make decisions and accept the outcome, regardless of what that might be. 

Cooperation; the ability to work with others towards a common goal. 

Respect; treating others as worthwhile and valuable. 

    Knowing these important lessons, one might wonder how to teach and develop them. The best way is to encourage your children to go about experiences that they might fear or be anxious about, allow them to see what they are capable of, help them to build their courage and confidence by giving them experiences. You will learn more by going and doing that you ever will in a lecture. 

Needs Approach

    Children have certain needs that must be met if they are to grow and thrive successfully, those being contact and belonging. When it comes to contact, this includes any contact ranging from physical touch to eye contact. Contact is often much harder for boys to get because it isn't seen as acceptable to hug, this results in their being more interested in play wrestling and sports. Dancing is another means of physical contact as well as an opportunity to interact with the opposite sex in a way that isn't sexual. Eye contact is also a beneficial means of contact as well as taking a genuine interest. Moms are a lot better at providing the gentle, emotional contact while Dads are more inclined to play contact. Belonging comes down to an individuals ability to contribute and make a difference in a group.  There are instances in which these needs are not met, often resulting in failure to thrive in younger age groups and attention seeking behaviors in older age groups, those being rebellion and a desire to control others. Human beings can never get enough of what they don't need, poor behavior and the result of it will not satisfy a child in need of contact and/or belonging, only the fulfillment of those needs will result in improvement. When it comes to behavior, prevention is always better and easier than correction. 

Parental Approach

    Parents have a responsibility to provide for the needs of their children, this means it's important that contact is offered freely, children are given opportunities of contributing to the home, they are shown consequences rather than sat through long lectures, and they are given choices appropriate with their age  and circumstance. They need choices as well as consequences, even if the consequence is not the easiest to navigate. 

Week 10

   This week's topic was on fathers and providing. 

How Work has Changed the Family

    Before the industrial revolution, work was mostly centered around the home and family. Men were mostly farmers, thus their children and wives would be present and included in their daily work, it wasn't separate from home life. After the industrial revolution, work turned into something outside the home, men would go for 40-60 hours a week to their workplace and not see their families for that time. This created the need for women to maintain the home and raise the children mostly on her own while her husband worked. There came a disconnect between fathers and their children and wives because he just wasn't there and the bond was not maintained. School becoming a place to go then took children from the home for the majority of the week as well, meaning they were being raised by teachers more than their mothers and fathers, creating another disconnect. That's not to say that work and school are evil and should not be attended, but it is to say that when everyone is home, there should be some effort made to connect and bond to make up for where it is lost. Having a device always  present doesn't help with this, it is important to disconnect from your cell-phone and connect with your family more often. 

Importance of Fathers

    As stated previously, the industrial revolution took fathers out of the home for the majority of the week, leaving mothers to do the teaching and nurturing, creating a closer bond between her and the children that the father wasn't a part of. While women have unique capacities to attend to their children, there is still great importance in the lessons a father has to teach, especially as children become teenagers.

Working Moms

    In today's world, women have a lot more pressure to, "do it all," all being motherhood, school, a job, and maintaining a home. If you're not doing all the tasks of a wife and mother on top of a job, you're not successful. Success today is based so much more on money than it is in actual accomplishment. Some people feel women need to work for a second income, but it's been found that that second income is costing more money than it provides. Without a homemaker, you have to pay someone else for those jobs, without a present parent you have to pay for daycare, you have to pay for more transportation for two individuals going to work, you have to pay for quicker meals as there is no time to cook, all of these expenses add up and result in the family having less money than even one income would make with a mother in the home. People today will look down on women that want to be traditional wives and mothers, but the benefit the the home and the woman's happiness and life satisfaction is significant. 

Family Work

    Family work referring to chores and tasks around the house, I am referring to going back to the idea of work and family life being one as before the industrial revolution. To complete necessary tasks with your kids present allows for time to bond and creates an opportunity for them to learn. Most parents will find that their children want to be involved in those activities because mom or dad is doing it. It might take longer for a task to get done, but that's time and experience that you wont get back and that you won't find anywhere else. 

    We've all developed the idea overtime that work is awful, and hard. and the last thing we want to do, but what if we didn't teach that to our kids? What if we included them and worked as a group, keeping the fun in hard tasks? Creating an opportunity to cooperate and work together makes the work more fun, think of camping. Camping is hard, but we still do it because it's fun to struggle and find solutions with your loved ones. 

Include God in Your Families

    There are a lot of things you can't plan for in life, be it medical emergencies, housing emergencies, or other things of the like. It is important not to lose your faith in these moments, trust the Lord to provide and help you through. He will not leave you not abandon you, there is always a way through Him. 

Week 9

 This week's discussion was on communication, decision making, and problem solving.  

Problems of Communication

    As human beings, we communicate using words, tone, and non-verbal means. About 14% of our communication involves words, 36% involves tone, and 51% is based on non-verbal ques. In today's society it is normal to text rather than call or meet with someone in person, this has hurt human communication significantly and leads to many misunderstandings as it cuts out two important portions of our ability to communicate and leaves us with the one that is the most difficult to interpret on it's own. When you speak with someone in person, you can hear their tone and see how they are standing or fidgeting based on the discussion, you can't see that in a text. Calling is better, as you can hear words and tone, but you can't see how someone is really feeling or reacting to what is being said without non-verbal ques.

    There are also corrupt forms of communication, those being sarcasm, lying to avoid conflict, stonewalling (quit talking), cursing, exaggeration (you always..), manipulation of words, and ill intent.  

5 Secrets of communication

    The five secrets of communication are the best means to have a discussion about something confrontational without resulting in anger and fallout. They don't need to be used in order, but do need to be used correctly. 

 1. Disarming technique: find and state the kernel of truth in a given statement, usually a complaint. By acknowledging and stating the truth in a complaint kindly and respectfully, the individual taking issue will be soothed and contentions will be lessened or non-existent. This one is difficult, because when we are faced with confrontation, our first instinct is to defend ourselves, which will only prove the complaint. When you start looking for the kernels of truth, you will no longer feel defensive and can take manual control of your brain to communicate calmly & clearly.

2. Empathy: repeat their thoughts with the same feeling they are giving (not anger) to show your understanding. Keep track of their feelings and emotions. 

3. Inquiry: check your understanding, ask questions like, "I'm guessing you're feeling ____, am I getting that right?" or, "I want to understand your feelings, can you elaborate?" 

4. "I Feel" statements: statements like, "when (statement/event) I feel/felt (emotion) because (thought). I would like (wish/request)

5. Stroking: authentically and honestly admire and appreciate the individual you're communicating with.

Decision Making as a Unit

    When making decisions while married and with a family, it is best to include your spouse. With my personal beliefs, I believe it is best to include God as well. In most families there is one person whose decision with be dominant to the others based on topic or the period of life the family is in. Most families won't come to a unified conclusion, and individuals will act or make decisions without the counsel of either the spouse or the rest of the family. It's okay to come up with your own solution, but it is important to come back and counsel with your spouse to get their thoughts and opinions to make the best possible decision for the whole of the family. They might see things that you didn't consider before. Once you have counselled with your spouse and you come to a unified decision or plan, it is then important to take it to God and seek His will. When asking for the guidance and will of the Father, faith is required as well as a willingness to do and abide by the instruction and inspiration your receive. Even if the guidance He gives seems impossible, it is important to do as has been instructed and have the faith that He will provide and that all will be well. 

Steps for Success in a Counsel

    When talking about how to have a counsel, Brother Williams shared how the first presidency and quorum of the Twelve Apostles of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints go about their counsel regarding the direction of the Lord's Church. The steps they take are as follows: 

1. in a dedicated place.

2. on a scheduled day of the week.

3. share your appreciation and love for each individual before the meeting begins

4.  invite the Lord at the beginning of the meeting.

5. ask the opinion of each individual involved and LISTEN. 

6. Invite the Lord again as you conclude with prayer. 

7. break bread together, share a treat. 

Week 8

 This week's topic was on family stressors and crisis as well as depression and anxiety with some coping mechanisms. 

Stress and crisis

    A stressor is defined as an individual or individuals in a family being put under stress and bounce back. In talking about stress, Brother Williams used the analogy of astronauts and the loss of bone density that they experience while they are in space. The lack of stress on their body causes it to deteriorate irreversibly. Similarly, stress is necessary in families so they grow stronger rather than deteriorating. There is still a possibility of breaking apart however, the different ways people cope can affect the building or breaking process while under stress. When you ask married couples about the beginning of their marriage, they often speak fondly of the financial stress because it brought them together. Being under stress causes you to rely more on each other if you are managing it in a healthy way, as previously stated this will result in you and your spouse growing closer together. Brother Williams made a point that you should continue dating your spouse, even after marriage, even during these times of financial stress. Life gets busy, having that time to focus on each other is important and needed for the continued bonding of a couple. It doesn't need to be fancy and expensive, there is something sweet about just sharing a treat and some time. He also used the analogy of camping when describing stress as being fun in some instances because it causes individuals to work together in a shared difficult experience to make it better. In times of great trial, such as the world wars, times of sickness, etc. families that endured them together were found to be the most successful. 

Anxiety and Depression

    Anxiety is a trial that we all face, it is a natural, normal, and healthy response to danger. It is also an attempt to control things that are simply not in our control. It becomes harmful to an individual when overstimulated and paired with learned responses from various previous experiences and is becomes an almost constantly present feeling. Most of what we are anxious about is not so much physical as it is psychological. As hard as it is, the best way to overcome it is to purposefully do the things that cause us anxiety so that we can unlearn the response. When faced with stimuli to a trauma response, people will often space out and re-live the trauma. By purposefully facing it and staying present as you endure or think about it, that trauma response will become a memory over time. 

    Depression is also a response to danger, the difference from anxiety is the idea that you are in danger and there is no hope of escaping. The hopelessness brought on by depression is often accompanied by thoughts self deprecation, an individual will make comments including the word 'should.' Brother Williams shared an experience he had while learning Danish to serve his mission, that the word should is the same as those for 'scold' and 'shame'. When you admit you "should be..." doing something, acting a certain way, being a certain way, etc. you are shaming yourself, making it harder to find the courage and motivation to do very much of anything. Individuals then get stuck in a cycle of "I should be better" accompanied by the hopelessness of depression that makes it seem impossible to be what they feel they should be, which can in turn worsen the depression by seeming to prove yourself to be right. That there is no hope. 

A Change in Mindset

    As soon as you perceive something, your brain will treat those thoughts as if they are reality. If you perceive there is no hope, then there mustn't be. If you perceive you will fail, you will fail. If you are to overcome anxiety and conquer depression, there must be a change, not in chemicals or medication per say, but in mindset. In thought. As human beings we have God given agency to choose your cognition and your responses, you can learn over time to have control over these things. This comes from acknowledging your thoughts and feelings, be it towards a situation or to yourself, and to find the truth rather than just what you perceive. What we perceive, often in distressing circumstances, is not the truth. It is often an exaggerated caricature of an event that will place unreasonable blame on the perceiving individual, one that they will accept as truth until seeing otherwise. This false perception is what leads to depression, to anxiety, and to the hopelessness that follows. 

    At times it is good to speak to others and seek help, or even to give help to those that come to you. In these instances, we may be inclined to "cheerlead" or give overflowing compliments and validations, btu that isn't going to help. That is not to say that compliments should not be given, but someone with a mindset of self deprecation won't believe these things. They need to see the truth of the situation and the truth of themselves, sometimes they need help with that. They need to learn to believe the compliments they receive, that is a choice that will take some time to get used to, but will help overall. We're not just trying to come up with a positive thought, we are trying to bring forward the truth. This does not mean you are not allowed to be sad, it is good to acknowledge and have those feelings for a time, but you cannot let those negative thoughts overwhelm you and take the truth from you. 

    These mindsets don't just affect you once children come along. They are always watching and learning by your example. Your mindset will influence theirs, so make sure it is loving. Towards others, towards yourself, towards your spouse, and especially towards your children. Teach them the ways to find truth in sadness and in hardship, this will help them find joy and peace in their daily lives and in their families to come. 

Something More Personal

This self deprecation is common among Christians especially, as we discussed it I noticed it in myself as a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter day Saints. We are called to be humble, this however, is not a call to hate ourselves. Rather, we are called to love ourselves, to love others as we love ourselves, and to honor our divine creation. The adversary is the inspiration of those lies you think and feel, by seeking and embracing the truth of our loving Father and Savior you can overcome and those lies with truth. You can realize that the adversary does not need to stay, you realize that he has no place in you, and eventually you realize that there is hope and you are going to be okay. 

Week 7

 This week's topic of discussion was intimacy and infidelity. 

Differences Between Men and Women

    Biological differences between men and women when it comes to intimacy are rather distinct. Men will reach a climax much faster than a woman will and will be unable to perform for a time afterwards whereas women take much longer and do not have a refractory period in which they cannot perform. The idea behind why the different genders want to be intimate differ as well, for example, a woman does not want to be intimate until she feels safe, warm, and close to her partner where a man wants to be intimate so he can feel safe, close, and intimate to his partner. A man's desire for intimacy usually has nothing to do with being sex-crazed, but rather a desire to be close and connect to his spouse.

    There are chemical differences between sexes as well. While both men and women will released dopamine and serotonin during intercourse, only women will release the bonding chemical oxytocin. This same chemical is used to bond with her children as they're born and nursing as well. This bond is good when having only one sexual partner, but can create issues if a woman has or has had multiple, it will make it much harder to bind with her husband later on.

    These differences may seem tedious and inconvenient at first glance, but I believe that these differences exist for a divine purpose. That being an opportunity to be selfless with and for your partner and to get to know them. This makes encountering sex with your partner something delicate, that should be opened and discussed carefully and with as much time as you both need. There is no reason to rush into this, and often it's better not to. Discuss likes and dislikes, things that are scary, and as you learn continue to discuss those things. This isn't a one and done conversation, it's one that continues as you both change and learn more about yourselves as well as each other.

Boundaries with Others

    Boundaries with those outside of your marriage (those being friends, family, work colleagues, etc.) are incredibly important. What issues come up between you two, be it with intimacy or otherwise, are best left between you two. Bringing others into it brings greater bias between not only your friends/family and your spouse but between you and your spouse as well. Even seeking marriage counseling privately (without your spouse) creates a bias because both sides of an issue are not expressed and understood. Sharing intimate topics with those outside or you and your spouse is a betrayal to your spouse. Bringing these issues up to others then brings them into the relationship where they should not at all be involved, after their inclusion it is very difficult to remove them from it. Emotionally relying on an individual outside of your spouse leads to another issue, that being infidelity. 

Infidelity 

    When the topic of infidelity comes up, most will know of sexual infidelity, there are other ways of being unfaithful to your spouse however. Emotional infidelity is often where it starts, that being the purposeful time spent with someone other than your spouse to express hardships within marriage as well as other issues over time. This creates a bond with someone other than your spouse that makes other intimate acts, starting with hugs and venturing into kisses and so on, seem acceptable because of the emotional bond with this other person. There is also financial infidelity, which starts from accounts being opened without the knowledge of one spouse, sometimes starting innocently, becoming a means to provide for someone other than your own spouse or family. Both of these things eventually lead to sexual infidelity, which is not just touching another person intimately but thinking of another person as such. There are more means of being unfaithful, but these are the most prominent.

Week 6

 This weeks discussion was on the transitions in and towards  marriage.

Courtship to Engagement

    This time is the most important in terms of molding the relationship into one that you want to stay in and keep, as it will get harder to change built habits later on. It's important to sit down as a couple and discuss needed boundaries and where they should be. These boundaries might include how involved parents are, how time is spent with friends, what is shared with those outside the marriage, the boundaries with children as they come, time spent with either side of the family, what activities are done as a family, and other things of that sort. These boundaries are important if a couple is going to last long term, they just need to be communicated and set clearly and then be upheld respected by both sides. The most important part of this transition is the communication of boundaries. 

Proposal

    The transition from courtship to engagement begins with a proposal of marriage. In todays culture it's common for couples to discuss engagement and marriage before a proposal has been made, making it a mutual next step, though proposals today are much larger and more showy than they were before regardless of the agreement already being made. Brother Williams put a lot of emphasis on the proposal, as women will look back to the start of the relationship when things get hard. It's often been found that the big, showy proposal does not result in a good marriage. Rather than doing something sweet and close to the woman, the man is using it as a way to show off that he got the girl. He's doing it for other people and for his own pride in a sense, not for her. 

    The traditional, or older means of proposal were discussed as well, those being asking the father's permission before proposing, the man buying the ring before proposing, and the man making the proposal in the first place without doing it for show. Each step of that showing deliberate effort and continued investment to the woman, even if she isn't as invested as he is yet. The proposal is a way to show that the man is ready and willing to take the woman into his life and to share the rest of it with her. Cutting out those deliberate actions in modern courtship and engagement is more likely to hurt a relationship because it doesn't require as much consideration or commitment on the man's part, he's just following what is agreed upon and wanted by the woman. It's been shown that when the woman is more invested, she is more likely to devest and walk away when things get hard, in a lot of modern proposals the woman is more invested than the man. When the man is more invested in the beginning, in such a way that would bring about the traditional proposal, it is more likely that the woman will increase her investment when things get hard later on. 

Planning a Wedding

    This is the part that many woman have dreamed and considered since they were little, but it is much more than just a party to celebrate marriage, it's not just planning a wedding, it's planning a marriage. It acts as the first event that you will plan with your spouse that has significant consequences, it is important that you do so together so to strengthen your bond as a couple and to prepare you for future plans and events that will occur. The way you plan your wedding will determine if you come together or drift apart when it comes to planning and finding solutions in life. It will help you see how you can work together and put your different minds and ideas into one whole outcome. It's not good for women to cut their fiancé out of this process, it's not something for her to turn to her friends and her mother with alone, but something she should be figuring out with her fiancé. This is a stressful period of time all for one day, and it's important to keep those elevated levels of stress in mind as well as the idea that it is just for on day. A wedding should be an event of a community and families coming together to support the couple, becoming a unified group. Because your families and friends will want to be involved, this is a time in which you set the standard and boundaries between them and you and your fiancé as a couple. This is a time in which it is wise to step away from friends of the opposite sex and cleave and honor your spouse. Emotional reliance on others will take you away from your spouse more than anything, especially when it comes to friends of the opposite sex, infidelity starts emotionally. Priority should go to your spouse, especially when discussing trials and hardships, those aren't things you take and express to others before and without your spouse, that will only hurt you both. 

Early Marital Adjustments

    Life isn't just going to get easier because your married, in fact the opposite will occur. Now you are adjusting to another person in your space that does things differently than you do, you're seeing all of them rather than just the parts they set aside to show you. You will need to establish roles when it comes to housework, finances, prayer and scripture time, as well as establishing ways of communication, conflict resolution, and that doesn't even touch that you're sharing all of your space with them. It's important that both parties adjust and accommodate the other within reason. You are working this out together, that takes time, and that is okay! It'll be hard for a while, but it's important to have love and patience towards the other as well as to yourself throughout. There also needs to be a sense of interdependence developed, that being the ability to lean on each other when things get hard rather than facing those hard things alone or with others outside of your marriage. Most people aren't going to divorce over big problems, but it's the little things that go unsaid and unsolved that lead to it. It's good to participate in activities that allow you to act as a team and rely on each other so that you can engage in that communication early on, even before you are married those activities are important.