Week 6

 This weeks discussion was on the transitions in and towards  marriage.

Courtship to Engagement

    This time is the most important in terms of molding the relationship into one that you want to stay in and keep, as it will get harder to change built habits later on. It's important to sit down as a couple and discuss needed boundaries and where they should be. These boundaries might include how involved parents are, how time is spent with friends, what is shared with those outside the marriage, the boundaries with children as they come, time spent with either side of the family, what activities are done as a family, and other things of that sort. These boundaries are important if a couple is going to last long term, they just need to be communicated and set clearly and then be upheld respected by both sides. The most important part of this transition is the communication of boundaries. 

Proposal

    The transition from courtship to engagement begins with a proposal of marriage. In todays culture it's common for couples to discuss engagement and marriage before a proposal has been made, making it a mutual next step, though proposals today are much larger and more showy than they were before regardless of the agreement already being made. Brother Williams put a lot of emphasis on the proposal, as women will look back to the start of the relationship when things get hard. It's often been found that the big, showy proposal does not result in a good marriage. Rather than doing something sweet and close to the woman, the man is using it as a way to show off that he got the girl. He's doing it for other people and for his own pride in a sense, not for her. 

    The traditional, or older means of proposal were discussed as well, those being asking the father's permission before proposing, the man buying the ring before proposing, and the man making the proposal in the first place without doing it for show. Each step of that showing deliberate effort and continued investment to the woman, even if she isn't as invested as he is yet. The proposal is a way to show that the man is ready and willing to take the woman into his life and to share the rest of it with her. Cutting out those deliberate actions in modern courtship and engagement is more likely to hurt a relationship because it doesn't require as much consideration or commitment on the man's part, he's just following what is agreed upon and wanted by the woman. It's been shown that when the woman is more invested, she is more likely to devest and walk away when things get hard, in a lot of modern proposals the woman is more invested than the man. When the man is more invested in the beginning, in such a way that would bring about the traditional proposal, it is more likely that the woman will increase her investment when things get hard later on. 

Planning a Wedding

    This is the part that many woman have dreamed and considered since they were little, but it is much more than just a party to celebrate marriage, it's not just planning a wedding, it's planning a marriage. It acts as the first event that you will plan with your spouse that has significant consequences, it is important that you do so together so to strengthen your bond as a couple and to prepare you for future plans and events that will occur. The way you plan your wedding will determine if you come together or drift apart when it comes to planning and finding solutions in life. It will help you see how you can work together and put your different minds and ideas into one whole outcome. It's not good for women to cut their fiancé out of this process, it's not something for her to turn to her friends and her mother with alone, but something she should be figuring out with her fiancé. This is a stressful period of time all for one day, and it's important to keep those elevated levels of stress in mind as well as the idea that it is just for on day. A wedding should be an event of a community and families coming together to support the couple, becoming a unified group. Because your families and friends will want to be involved, this is a time in which you set the standard and boundaries between them and you and your fiancé as a couple. This is a time in which it is wise to step away from friends of the opposite sex and cleave and honor your spouse. Emotional reliance on others will take you away from your spouse more than anything, especially when it comes to friends of the opposite sex, infidelity starts emotionally. Priority should go to your spouse, especially when discussing trials and hardships, those aren't things you take and express to others before and without your spouse, that will only hurt you both. 

Early Marital Adjustments

    Life isn't just going to get easier because your married, in fact the opposite will occur. Now you are adjusting to another person in your space that does things differently than you do, you're seeing all of them rather than just the parts they set aside to show you. You will need to establish roles when it comes to housework, finances, prayer and scripture time, as well as establishing ways of communication, conflict resolution, and that doesn't even touch that you're sharing all of your space with them. It's important that both parties adjust and accommodate the other within reason. You are working this out together, that takes time, and that is okay! It'll be hard for a while, but it's important to have love and patience towards the other as well as to yourself throughout. There also needs to be a sense of interdependence developed, that being the ability to lean on each other when things get hard rather than facing those hard things alone or with others outside of your marriage. Most people aren't going to divorce over big problems, but it's the little things that go unsaid and unsolved that lead to it. It's good to participate in activities that allow you to act as a team and rely on each other so that you can engage in that communication early on, even before you are married those activities are important.